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Harrowing! Also a clever structure with the poetry verses interspersed with prose; I hadn’t seen that before. It’s like an early 20th-century true crime story. It definitely did feel like I time-traveled; you managed to capture the historic nature of the piece and it also felt oddly relevant despite very different “courtship” customs today because of the frank sexuality and relatable longing. Limerence is part of the human condition, no matter which time period. Her funny, idiosyncratic thoughts peppered throughout also helped the realism and wove the historical differences in seamlessly. This is great, for example: “She might just as well be pregnant, mightn’t she? She’d heard of that society woman getting pregnant from a bath sponge, still a virgin. It’d been all over the papers, lurid details.” And also you use these historical artifacts amusingly with the “butter” reference! :)

Great, cheeky line: “No more maddening afternoons where he put it in and pulled it out before the rising tide had broken on her shore.”

Love the evocative descriptions; made me feel as though I stumbled upon an old, dusty photo album: “Third class, windows smeared tobacco brown both inside and out, worn plush seats turned to sepia from their pre-war brightness.”

And I did not see that ending coming at all. I was actually rooting for the two of them, and for her, especially. At its most basic, Elsie’s an innocent girl with her dreams dashed. A lesser writer might have made this story hokey, but you brought a complex realness to it.

One part that confused me was the telegram from Norman. Is it a directive for Mr. Cameron to open the letters or is he writing that open letters are at the house? Minor, though; a small bit of detail before this part should clarify it, I think. Otherwise, great job!

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Thank you so much! Please feel free to subscribe for more of my work. It was a real case, I'm afraid. I will clarify the open letters bit, thanks for the tip.

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Nov 12, 2022Liked by Josa Keyes

Josa,

This is fantastic. It conveys a very strong impression of time, place, and social context. I’ve never see the device of interspersing third-person narration with first-person observations in verse form. Whether you invented it or not, it works perfectly here.

The sudden twist, revealed ever so casually from the dead woman’s detached perspective (“I didn’t like the dying”) is extremely effective. I also like the very frank discussion of the sexual realities in Elsie’s life; it’s blunt, but avoids being either clinical on the one hand or pornographic on the other. And it’s especially impactful given the prudish ethos of that era.

Favorite line: “No more shameful status as the fiancée whose engagement stretched like perished knicker elastic, never snapping back.”

Second-favorite: “It never was Miss Cameron hanging/Dangling from the beam in that pathetic shed/But Mr Thorne who had to take the drop”

I could go on, but I would end up quoting a significant fraction of the piece.

I’m struggling to come up with constructive criticism. I was a little confused by this:

“NOT HERE. OPEN LETTERS. CANNOT UNDERSTAND. THORNE”

Norman is telling Elsie’s father to open his letters to her? Why?

Other than that, I didn’t come across anything that bothered me or I thought could have been done better, and certainly no technical problems. Well done!

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You are all so lovely. I'm going to clarify the open letters bit as 2 comments. So so glad you enjoyed it. It is my experiment to use verse as a different POV in the story. But other writers have mixed up verse and prose before me. Really delighted to have given you pleasure.

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Nov 9, 2022Liked by Josa Keyes

Im gutted for Elsie! I think you're a great writer, I never usually read this style but I think you write so well in such a different way than I am used to. When she's in the carriage describing her fellow passenger it reminded me a little of Jamaica Inn when Mary Yellen is described.

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What lovely comments. I'm honoured that you enjoyed it.

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This was so good! It went in a completely different direction to what I was expecting. I loved the poetry/pose interchanges and the language/tone was spot on.

And some of my favourite lines:

Like daffodils from dead brown bulbs

It held my legs, top to tail, tied together

Like sardines

And

Victims both of that appalling war.

Apologies for no real constructive criticism, but yeah, really good stuff.

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Thank you!

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